Fire Sam Mitchell.

With (twisted) contributions from Alex F.

10. Slip Sam a sleeping pill before Game 3. Prod him gently with a rolled up pink slip after the Raptors win.

9. Put three dead hookers in his trunk. Call in his license plate (*if you have more or less than three lying around, then use that amount.)

8. Hack into his MLSE email account and sign up for a premium membership at farmsex.com

7. Slip a sandwich bag of coke into Sam’s jacket pocket at a Raptors charity event. Send cameramen and a dying diabetic kid over to ask if he could have one last taste of the icing sugar peeking out of Sam’s pocket.

6. Enlist female MLSE employee to get Sam to help with her audition for a role in an upcoming OJ Simpson movie. Get him to read lines like “I’ll kill you if you leak this, bitch”. Tape it. Leak tape to Stephen A.

5. Slip him a coupla grams of mushrooms before game 3. After Sam’s tossed from the game, (presumably, for holding up the jump-ball by sitting in center court in an advanced yoga position humming Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds) and Jay Triano coaches them to a win, axe his tripped-out ass.

4. Start asking Sam about his thoughts on Iraq at shoot-arounds. Invent racially charged quote, eg. “These crackers can’t rebound”. Superimpose him into a youtube of Jeremiah Wrights congregation. Craft press release that he attended a madrassa in northern Georgia, back when his name was OSam-a. Question his religion publicly. Call Fox News.

3. Invite Sam to your next Raptors Dance Pak orgy. Take pictures. Also invite this guy.

2. Hack into Sam’s facebook. Add Bryan Colangelo’s wife.

1. Get Primo to play Ed Norton.